dont look back!

the grass is greener on the other side.

sometimes when you look back, it's so easy to forget the bad. mostly because the bad sucks, and it's not fun to remember. i looked back recently, and completely forgot about some of the negative aspects of my relationship. i reached out to him, and he called me. we talked on the phone for three hours. i honestly thought we could get back together.

what a fool am i.

in one swift movement, all our problems came rushing back. i experienced the CONSUMING and awful feelings i used to experience and i remembered again why we had broken up. it's so difficult for me to let go of people, i get so emotionally attached. i know i'm not alone though. i'm dating someone new and i'm really hoping he turns out to be fantastic, and lives beyond my expectations... which are kinda low. i'm extremely guarded and have ten thousand walls up. i feel like this is a good thing. i've learned that if it's so difficult for me to let people go that have gotten into my heart, i've got to put up some sort of barrier to keep out the rotten eggs.

so that's my advice to you, readers (all twelve of you. i see you reading, i can see the stats.)

maybe it's not so bad to put up a wall, test out those suckers before you let them into your heart. but don't be impossible. we've got to let go sometimes! also, keep moving forward. you broke up for a reason.

it's called a break up because it's broken!

love from

its a secret

miss you :(

i'm sorry for everything. when i'm ready to hear your response i'm going to tell you that. but i'm too scared to hear what you'll have to say back.

i miss you lots,

love forever

its a secret

gross

blehhh

i miss a lot of things.

i made myself a sweet new life with long hair, black boots, a kitten, a pretty stellar honesty policy (turns out honesty truly is the best policy), and wonderful friends.

he was wrong that i couldn't/didn't want to change. he was right that i'd like myself and my life a lot better if did though. i guess i wish he was here to see it all? i miss his support.

bleh

i feel yucky

do yourself a favor and never listen to sad music. ever.

dancing and singing alone at work, this is still me

love forever

its a secret

omg easy fix guys

just get a kitten!!

best idea i've ever had.

love

its a secret

a letter i'll never send

i wonder if you think - if you think of me at all - that i'm so mean, so terrible, and so cold. here's the truth:

memories come to me in waves, love. and it's painful and i miss you, and i remember the good times, and imagine how wonderful it would be like if we were together now. i regret what's happened, and i almost pick up the phone and call you. but then i re-read your last message to me and once again it's clear to me we are happier this way.

girls

you've broken up for a reason. you'll find someone who will treat you so well and would never leave you, or let you leave him.

love forever,

its a secret

blissss

love this

new mantra for all of us:

i do what i want!!

love forever,

its a secret

my plea

i know you read this

please do both of us a favor so we can stop hurting.

leave me alone

patience

just take your time, be patient with yourself. the feelings will go away. the love will die. everything will pass, and you're going to meet a new man. you will. it's impossible not to. you've got to just keep on marching forward, my warriors.

no regrets

go for it ladies

just do what you need to do

some horrible/funny jams to get you in the mood for a night out

bam

bam

bam!

i hate you so much right now

step 1. dance your butt off to some

musical

therapy

love forever,

its a secret

:)

UGH.

STEP ONE

stay away from boys for a while.

damn girl

she knows it!

first date follow up

i haven't been on any. 0 out of 6. either i have cancelled, or they have. i'm really thinking i'd rather be alone for a little while. i'm sitting inside protected from the cold and rain, all freshly showered, watching never been kissed on tv. i'm drinking my skim milk no whip mocha (ULTIMATE FAV) and i've never been so happy snuggling alone. i've got the september issue of marie-claire and a couple new lip stains from my drug store run. i'm really happy alone right now. i've never not wanted a boyfriend before, it's kinda nice!


link of the day

love forever
it's a secret

don't listen to sad music

why did i do this

my rule number 1 has always been to try not to listen to sad music or watch sad movies. i accidentally did both of these today

DON'T DO IT
DON'T DO IT

JUST DON'T

i gave myself an hour to grieve and then i went outside and felt all better. learn from my mistakes!

love,
it's a secret


ps
the downward spiral isn't worth it.
JUST DON'T DO IT

pps
there is some great news, actually! i met a cute boy at work and he asked for my number and we're going on a date. BAM

grooving along

step 1
escape. i chose toronto

step 2
see a movie with a hunk. i think i have a celebrity crush, and his name is taylor lautner

step 3
hang out with people who love you unconditionally, meaning, your family

step 4
decide to completely re arrange your appartment. i picked colours for the walls, and next weekend im heading to ikea

step 5
drink an entire bottle of wine upon your return, and talk to your friends about how awesome your new single life is

next year could be the best year of my life <3

i've taken up my old unusual habit. sometimes i give myself kisses, on the knee, hand, arm, etc. just little pecks, when i need some comfort and no one is looking. it feels nice.


love
it's a secret

yeah, yeah, yeah!

today is a new day

so i gathered up more of mr. wrong's stuff and put it in a pile in my room. it made me feel sick looking at it, so i took a blanket an threw that over it. out of sight, out of mind.

i don't have much to say today. maybe because i know that my future is bright, and you should too. obviously you guys broke up because one of you didn't feel like trying anymore. so fuck them for not wanting to try, or fuck them for making you break up with them. i felt free roaming around my empty apartment. i took a shower, went into my living room, and head banged my curls dry instead of using a blow dryer. it was LIBERATING!! i laughed because i knew i looked ridiculous and i felt so good.

so today, my only advice is this
put on funny, embarrassing music, and dance in your living room.

my suggestion?

or this

love, its a secret.

the list

day four!

step one

get your butt out of bed! don't lay in it. seriously. that's such a bad idea. force yourself to get up. since yesterday you took a shower, today just... get up. put on some make up, i put on the exact same thing i wore yesterday. i like it because my ex (now named mr. wrong) didn't like it when i wore shorts or low cut shirts. (barely low cut, and not even short shorts. PFFT WHATEVER) so im wearing a v neck and my little blue high waisted shorts. at 9:00 am i got my ipod and walked to not the nearest coffee shop, but one that was at least a 10 minute walk away. i listened to the following song

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jFSUjtG6v0

and then

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sdJ3IVzVPg

because it's kind of an f-you song, and every girl can relate? kinda? in a way? i can. it's not about a lover, it's about another female friendship.

i got an iced vanilla latte. since i am one who completely loses her appetite while in the midst of boy drama, i felt i could use the calories of the vanilla and whole milk. the good thing about going to the place i went to is that my vancouver bff works there. so we chatted, she gave me a hug and looked pretty proud that i was up and chipper.

step two

take the long way back, chat to neighbours, etc. i listened to this song

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cf814j1jgQU&feature=fvst

and then

www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCrgIDXVL-w

i talked to my usual starbucks barista who was sitting outside on her break. i told her that boy i always came in with was a loser, and we were done, so she won't be seeing him around. for the first time i said it with a smile, i didn't tear up (win!!). we chatted about which coffee places are actually kinda better than starbucks.

step three

today i have to be a tough bitch and go to work. i didn't know how i'd make it those three days without it, but i'm here now and tonight at 4:30 i'm going to get my ass on the bus and go to work. i'm going to be okay. but before that i'm going to get a cute little dress to wear.

TIP OF THE DAY<3>

i don't think by day 4 you should listen to sad music. save that for much later, when you're stable (you wont feel the need to by then anyway). i don't feel quite stable yet. it's a fine balance between avoiding the feelings and not letting them debilitate you. if sadness or anger comes, take them in, deal with them, but don't do things to CREATE these feelings. try to do things for yourself, and keep busy. i only tell you to do this because it seems to be working for me.

recommended read

It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken (The Smart Girl's Breakup Buddy)

exercise of the day!!

i'm going to make a list of things i can do now that i'm a triple s. (single sexy siren/stud). every day i'll try to do one. the list will expand, or change. and it's going to be hard with my trip to toronto coming up, but i'll try!

go on a trip with bff lisa (she goes to europe and mexico because she's a triple s.)

go on a trip with bff maya (her parents have a house in kelowna, and she's

make myself look like the babe i am and go out dancing with bff's amy and sharlena

go to the art gallery (on my own or with a date, even a friend date)

get my hair done at bang town

go shopping and buy whatever i want. (mr. wrong liked to tell me how i should dress)

get my nails did (why not?!)

see broken social scene (www.brokensocialscene.ca) on oct. 13th

re-decorate apartment

change up my room

and finally... go to new york city with bff #1 nicole. and be triple s's together. BECAUSE WE ARE.

chat time

i have to say that focusing on my future really makes me feel optimistic. i won't say it's easy though, when my mind switches back to how things were between me and mr. wrong, it sort of becomes a downward spiral of emotions. i'm trying to trick myself by calling him mr. wrong, so it gets drilled into my head somehow that he is in fact totally wrong for me. we are wrong for each other. i would be better with someone else. someone who has my 6. even though he was only missing one thing (not the gorgeous one, unfortunately), without that feature we didn't work.

good idea, bad idea?

i'm going to go on a few dates when i get back from toronto in a week. is this a good idea? i'm not sure. my room mate is setting me up with some guys. hahahha, i'll let you guys know how it goes. if it works for me, it might work for you??

something else that worked for me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7UmUX68KtE

okay honestly, i know it's kiddie and stuff, but how could you not laugh?? you gotta wait for it!!

or this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMSPxIo7sfE

that... that is how happy i want my man to be.

this one will give me night mares. but i'm still laughing. i'll laugh and scream at the same time, in horror and giddiness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPHiNE0I3wE

i'm sick of crying (oh hi guys)

So, this is a blog. this is not a pity party, and my promise to you is that i will not complain about how bad it hurts. i want this to be a positive place, a positive thing to read. this is for all the men and women who have just gotten out of a relationship. wether you were the dumper or dumpee, it's as terrible as shit. this is where i'll tell you guys how I'm dealing with what happened, moving on, and most importantly, how i'm going to find the right one for me. hopefully if you're in pain, and that's how you've stumbled across my blog, we can all be in this together. the subject of the blog is not how we broke up, or what an ass hole he was. the subject of the blog is how I'm going to get over it and make a new beginning for myself.

step one

i spent days 1 and 2 mainly in my apartment. i cried in my bed, i cried on the couch, i cried when i saw his stuff. i didn't shower, i watched movies (he's just not that into you.. i cried) and felt pathetic. so pathetic, in a hilarious way.

step two

it is day 3. i woke up and could smell myself. i decided, fuck this, so i took a shower (because i could smell my own stinkyness) and ate a little something. then i took all his shit (we live together, but he's away at the moment. yeah, we broke up on the phone) and put it in a pile in our room. there's still stuff in drawers that i don't want to move or touch yet, i'll cross that bridge later. then i did something that helped me very very much.

step 3

i started a journal. i wrote all the whiney thoughts down on paper. all the "why"s and "i miss him"s and "i'm still in denial!"s. all the drama, so nobody else has to hear it. then i went out with my friend for a couple hours, and talked about her life, and i gave her a little bit of information of what was happening with me. i tried to keep it positive. and you know what? i feel alright right now.

step 4

i decided i would make a plan on how i would get back on my feet and meet the right man. i'm going to do this through blog. i will write all my experiences, all my fails and all my wins.

win!!!!

* i decided what kind of man i want? i want 6 qualities in a man

1. trusting

2. funny

3. loyal

4. loving

5. gorgeous (i think i deserve it, k?)

6. have a passion. i've always dated men with a passion for something. musicians, bmx'ers, actors, math nerds... i like it.

*a cute boy looked at me. which leads me to...

the exercise of the day

flirt a little bit!! put on make up, (or the man-quivalent) go outside, and make sexy eyes at babes. it's a mood booster, and makes you realize there are other people out there besides your ex. i did it today, and it felt great.

fail :( :( :(

*honestly, i am still in denial. i still feel like we are together. if he came back and apologized, i'm not sure i wouldn't take him back. i think i would take him back and bawl my eyes out.